2011 Keepers

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The Knights are ready to roll this year and our returning cast members have been chosen...

From Boston, he's a power hitting lefty who doesn't care how big your park is.  Whether it's Petco, Fenway, or a date with your sister, he's taking it deep. This Hispanic first baseman is so consistent, the Arizona state troopers know exactly where he is at all times, just 'cause.  The Red Sox new corner man and field care advisor, the Hispanic Who Causes Panic, ADRIAN GONZALEZ.

This little bird out of St. Louis is a power hitting righty with speed.  He's an outfielder who has a lot in common with Lindsay Lohan.  They are wealthy, they have the ability to go both ways, and the two regularly steal while on camera.  Pitching to this stud is never a holiday, and the pitcher's destruction is in the Cards.  MATT HOLLIDAY.

Now, out of Seattle, where this younger pitcher rains down with Starbucks-powered authority.  Not only does he eat innings, his physique suggests a great many other things as well.  He strikes out the side of the order with a side of fries, and he does it all with an ERA low enough to rival the number of women who have slept with me.  Truly a Knighted king among serfs.  FELIX HERNANDEZ.

And finally, a new arrival.  From Colorado, where the Rocky Mountains aren't the only thing towering over opposing hitters.  He threw the first no-hitter in Rockies history and just like a rufi, he operates as well in Coors as he does anywhere else.  The Right Handed Desperado from Colorado.  The Strikeout Yield from Coors Field.  The Unpronounceable Name of the Game.  UBALDO JIMENEZ.

Keepers

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Our league has been heated with debate about keepers. 4 is the number of guys we carry from season to season. Right now we're split on whether or not to increase that number to 5.

But I think my leaguemates mistake exactly what keepers mean to me. When I say I'm keeping Adrian Gonzalez, Felix Hernadez, and Matt Holliday, I mean that their souls belong to me.

Next time Matt Holliday comes to the plate, watch and see if he shows even a shred of exuberance, an iota of joy in playing the game he's decided to make a career of -- you won't find it. Is that because he doesn't love the game? Doubtful. No, it's more likely that the true ownership of his soul is weighing heavily on his mind.

Don't be surprised to see the normally left-handed Adrian Gonzalez come to the plate from the right side. Not because he's suddenly a switch hitter. But because I am sitting on the third base side. And he and I will have shared long eye contact. And I will motion to the A-Gonz voodoo doll in my hands, being gently prodded with the sharpened skewer of my vanquished corn dog.

And people will say, "But Andy, Adrian is facing a right-handed pitcher, why make him hit righty when he obviously has no experience doing so and a lefty would be preferable?"

Because... I can. He's been kept, mwahahaha!

New Flavor, Jelly Belly

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

I found this photo today and it gave me the chills.  I can't wait for the season to start.  We're about 3 weeks out, 2 weeks to D-Day (draft day) and I can smell the summer grass already.  Jelly Belly, you've done grass flavored.  Let's take that one step further.

Baseball in the grass flavored.  Think about it.  People love baseball a lot.  Maybe even enough to eat.

A New Beginning!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

We're closing in on a new season and after a few years of absence, this blog is back on the air.  The Circuit fantasy baseball league has been going strong, and we're ready to boot up the 2011 season.

Play ball!

Missing Week

Scotty had his bachelor party Saturday, April 26th. There were about 15 guys attending. Guys from the league included Aaron, Brandon, Chris, Paul, Scotty, and me. Here is roughly how the events of the day went. This is a rough estimate because we were all completely hammered.


12:30 PM
We boarded a bus armed with a keg.

12:30 - 1:30PM
Drinking.

1:30PM
Arrived in Milwaukee to go on the Lakefront Brewery tour. Obviously, no one drinks while surrounded by equipment used to make beer. No! Oh we were saucy at this point. Top notch brewery by the by.

3:30PM
Left Lakefront Brewery and head for Miller Park for Brewers game versus the Marlins. I have Villanueva, the starter for the day, but I'm not starting him because he's not usually good. Brandon has Uggla and Willingham.

3:30 - 4:00PM
Drinking. Ridiculous trades offered.

4:00PM
Arrived at Miller Park for 2 hours of drinking and tailgating. We play a game called Testicle Toss. Paul and I dominate, going 3-0. First time I ever felt good about throwing around some testes.

6:00PM
Game time. More drinking. Brewers won, 4-3, I think.

9:30PM
Leave Miller Park.

9:30 - 10:30PM
Drinking on bus.

11:00PM
Aaron, Brandon and I go to a bar called the DMZ. I go on to throw the single greatest game of darts ever. Just a taste of that performance: first throw, double bullseye; second throw, bullseye; third throw, does it really matter? There's a girl there who I think would be hot if she could lose the I love me some crack and alcohol look.

12:00AM
We meet up with everyone else at a bar called Scotty's. No darts are played since it is soon discovered that any darts that come within 20ft of me disintegrate instantly simply because of the pure residual power of my previous game.

1:00AM
We go to a bar called Sunnyside. I have a really effed up headache. Probably more residual energy from my dart skills. Like when people use telekinesis to move really BIG things and they start bleeding out of the fucking nose and shit and become totally drained. Yeah, my darts power was like that.

2:00AM
Brandon and I stay at Sunnyside after hours and create a new shot called the Jappleer (pronounced "Japple - leer"). Jameson, Apple Pucker, and Root Beer. You wouldn't think it'd be good, but it was.

3:00AM
Still at Sunnyside.

4:00AM
We go to breakfast with some of the bar people. I have some kind of bagel egg concoction that I probably wouldn't order when sober. Also, I had some hash browns that looked and tasted like basket weaving.

5:00AM
Arrived home, sobered up and reviewed my drunk texts for the night. Not bad. Here was the general count...

3 of "lets do it"
2 of "sersly i wanna do stuflets do i t"
1 of "i luvru guyz ths isgreat fuckengame shit luvurthe best shit...!1?"
12 of "heyyy hi"

******

So there you have it. A day in the life of The Circuit. Hence the missed week; needed some time to recover from that one. I'll update at the end of this week.

Borowski Going On DL & Other News

"Let's Face it, Jerry, I've Always Been Disabled;
I'm Just Now Getting the Recognition for it."

Joe Borowski went on the DL with a strained tricep. At least that's what the Indians are telling the press. My sources asked Cleveland Manager Eric Wedge why Borowski was headed for the DL, off the record. Irritated, Wedge said, "Um, I don't know, maybe because he's fucking Joe Borowski?"

Tou che.

*****

If Miguel Tejada Was a
D&D Character He'd Be a +2

It was revealed today that Miguel Tejada SS HOU lied about his official age and is apparently at least two years older than his reported age of 31. It makes sense though. Here's a regular picture of Tejada...



Now, here's Tejada close up...

*****

"He's My Guy."

On a non-fantasy baseball note, a high school team in Japan was hit up for 66 runs in only 2 innings of play. After the pitcher for the losing Kawamoto technical high school baseball team threw nearly 250 pitches in 2 innings, the game was mercifully ended. When asked to explain leaving the pitcher in for so long, the Kawamoto coach said, "I debated leaving him in, but then I thought, 'What would Dusty Baker do?'"

*****

An Exerpt From Cleveland Closer Joe Borowski's New Book

Excerpt from...

Blowing A Save, The Major League Way

by
Cleveland Indians Closer
Joe Borowski

"Listen, we've all been there. It's 4-2, the Angels are up, and you want to blow your save. Follow these quick and easy steps and you too can blow saves like a major league pitcher. And keep in mind, even though this isn't an instructional video, if it was I'd be doing something like this...
















Step 1. Retire the lead-off Chone Figgins on three pitches. This will give anyone who has you on their fantasy team a lot of hope.
Step 2. Check out that chick in the front row. Holy shit. Those have to be D's time two.
Step 3. And she has a friend! You gotta tell Sizemore about this.
Step 4. Okay, now walk Gary Matthews. Gary will wink at you. There'll be some H.G.H. waiting in your locker.
Step 5. Allow a single to Vlad. Don't worry if you can't do it, he'll make sure it happens.
Step 6. Walk Garret Anderson.
Step 7. Shit, that chick in the front row is leaving! Try to get Sizemore's attention. He's hitting on someone else. Ah, come on Grady, that's grade D at best. These girls are USDA Top Shelf!
Step 8. Give up a grand slam to Torii Hunter, also known as the Notoriious Hunter.

You've done it! Now, go get some tail."

Look for Borowski's next book, out in October, Knoblauch Your Game To The Next Level.

Bobbert Abreu Bends To My Will!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Today, Shane gained a lot of ground on my overall lead. It made me sad. I didn't like it. I get the text from him today...

"I'm comin for ya!"

If I had this picture on my phone I would have replied with it...














Shane had Yankees pitcher Phil Hughes throwing today, which is a conundrum. I have Bobby Abreu, Yankee outfielder; Shane and I are neck and neck in the Pitching Wins category; I am under-performing offensively. So do I have Abreu take a dive just so Hughes doesn't get the run support and, therefore, the win?

Yes. Yes I do.

And it all worked out, because even though the Yankees won, they didn't pull ahead until reliever Joba Chamberlain -- proud member of The Knights -- came in, giving me the win. And who hits in the winning run? One Bobbert Abreu...

I'm losing my lead so I need to enjoy this fortunate turn of events...