Brian Roberts With Back Problems?!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The news isn't good. Brian's sick. We're... not sure if he'll survive the night. Doctors say it's all the unprotected bases he was stealing. Because he wasn't just stealing those bases, he was stealing with everyone who had ever stole those bases before him.

Nah, it's just his back...

"Orioles 2B Brian Roberts was scratched from Tuesday's lineup against the Marlins because of a lower back injury." - MLB.com

But it sounds like he'll be fine for opening day.

Evan Longoria

Evan Longoria, hot prospect and third baseman for the Devil Rays during Spring Training, is heading down to the minors I guess, even though he's been putting up great numbers. Shane picked up Longoria in the draft. It's a great keeper league pick. Same with my guy Clay Buchholz, pitcher for the Red Sox. He's not going to get a roster spot at the start, but he's someone you want to hold onto if you can.

But anyway, onto more important issues...



























Come on, you were all thinking it!

Fantasy Updates

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Some player updates from Fantasy Town USA.

• BJ Upton was hit on his left elbow by Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd and left the game in the first inning Thursday. That's not good for my leaguemate Luke who made a last minute move to get Upton onto his keeper list. This also means that pitcher Paul Byrd may no longer just LOOK like a racist.

• Vladimir Guerrero left the game Thursday because of stiffness in his right knee. My leaguemate Shane is probably not liking the news. I'm sure Vlad will be fine. He does this every year to make us think THIS is the year he shuts down and becomes human, but it never happens. There is only one conclusion: Vlad is not human and will likely play major league baseball under aliases for the next 1,000 years. "You're not fooling anyone, Vladtron5000 XIII!"
• Brad Penny is 2-0 this Spring with a 0.56 ERA. I got nothing, other than to say that if Penny can keep his ERA around 1.00 then his name will have to be changed to Brad Sacajawea... you heard me!
• CBS Sports had a headline reporting that Carlos Delgado had returned from a "freak accident". Yeah, it's called 2007. Oh snap!

24 Hours To D-Day

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Two Things.

"Jose Valentin's Career Over?" That was the headline of a CBS Sports Report. I thought to myself, that guy's still alive??? Other headlines that would be just as effective I think...

• "Jose Valentin Contributes To Locker Room Salsa Recipe"
• "With Dugout Leaning Spot Replaced By Random Boxes, Valentin To Retire"
• "Jose Valentin Makes All-Century 21 Company Softball Team"

Sometimes the CBS headlines make me laugh. My favorite of all time still, from last year, is "Piazza Feasts On Angels." A CBS headline writer was having a particularly aggressive day when he posted that I think.


Anyway, tomorrow is the Draft. It's a big day. D-Day. Lots of preparation goes into drafting. I will post the outcome tomorrow.

MaggliOH MY LORDonez

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The latest from Spring Training...

"Tigers OF Magglio Ordonez pounded out three hits, including his third spring double, in three at-bats during Thursday's spring game against the Braves. He also knocked in his seventh run. Ordonez is hitting .400 (14-for-35) with one homer in 12 spring games." - CBS Sports News

I like Maggs. He makes me happy. I read this report and, like a beam of inspirational light from the heavens, it came to me:

MAGGLIOH MY LORDONEZ

I know. I'll leave you be and let the enormity of its awesomeness sink into your fibrous being. I only hope that when you return from the mental pilgrimage that follows, you will be able to look in the mirror without bursting into tears of blood and sinew, and without feeling the cold hand of your worthless existence strangle the life out of you.

...

Have a good one!

Brian Roberts Running Wild

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

One of my Keepers, Orioles second baseman Brian Roberts, stole 2 bases today. And both in the same inning! And then he crossed home plate and lifted the umps fucking wallet! This guy can't NOT steal.

That's 7 steals Roberts has now in Spring Training and he's never been caught. But you know what? He's a Keeper not just because he steals bases. He's also a Keeper because... he steals my heart.

[single tear]

Tulowitzki Hits 3rd Home Run In Spring Training

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

From CBS Sports News...

"Rockies SS Troy Tulowitzki hit his third spring homer Thursday against the Padres when he parked a solo shot off Jake Peavy over the left field wall. Tulowitzki now has four hits in 14 spring at-bats, with three of them clearing the outfield wall."

And just as Troy Tulowitzki's spring training HR total increases from 2 to 3, the Man-Crush-O-Meter increases from LISTEN, I'M NOT GAY, BUT... to MY FIRST CHILD MAY BE NAMED AFTER YOU, REGARDLESS OF GENDER.


The full Man-Crush-O-Meter...




It's not a flawless system of measurement, but it does its job adequately. Keep it up, Troy. My future first son Troy (or sexually confused daughter, Troy) thanks you.

*highest degree lyrics from the film Old School.

Home Runs All Around!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Tulowitzki goes yard on Tuesday, for the second time this Spring. Magglio takes one deep today, not to mention he is batting .467 in six Spring Training games. There's only one picture to describe my feelings today...



It would only be more perfect if I had traded for Tulowitzki straight cash!

From the Diary of Troy Tulowitzki

From the Diary of Troy Tulowitzki...

Dear Diary,

Today was the first game of Spring Training. Baseball is fun. I like it. We played the White Sox. John Danks looked at me funny before I came to the plate, so I took his cutter over the fucking wall. I think he was sad. My team cheered for me. It was nice.

Your Friend,
TT