Saturday, March 19, 2011

2011 Keepers

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The Knights are ready to roll this year and our returning cast members have been chosen...

From Boston, he's a power hitting lefty who doesn't care how big your park is.  Whether it's Petco, Fenway, or a date with your sister, he's taking it deep. This Hispanic first baseman is so consistent, the Arizona state troopers know exactly where he is at all times, just 'cause.  The Red Sox new corner man and field care advisor, the Hispanic Who Causes Panic, ADRIAN GONZALEZ.

This little bird out of St. Louis is a power hitting righty with speed.  He's an outfielder who has a lot in common with Lindsay Lohan.  They are wealthy, they have the ability to go both ways, and the two regularly steal while on camera.  Pitching to this stud is never a holiday, and the pitcher's destruction is in the Cards.  MATT HOLLIDAY.

Now, out of Seattle, where this younger pitcher rains down with Starbucks-powered authority.  Not only does he eat innings, his physique suggests a great many other things as well.  He strikes out the side of the order with a side of fries, and he does it all with an ERA low enough to rival the number of women who have slept with me.  Truly a Knighted king among serfs.  FELIX HERNANDEZ.

And finally, a new arrival.  From Colorado, where the Rocky Mountains aren't the only thing towering over opposing hitters.  He threw the first no-hitter in Rockies history and just like a rufi, he operates as well in Coors as he does anywhere else.  The Right Handed Desperado from Colorado.  The Strikeout Yield from Coors Field.  The Unpronounceable Name of the Game.  UBALDO JIMENEZ.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Keepers

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Our league has been heated with debate about keepers. 4 is the number of guys we carry from season to season. Right now we're split on whether or not to increase that number to 5.

But I think my leaguemates mistake exactly what keepers mean to me. When I say I'm keeping Adrian Gonzalez, Felix Hernadez, and Matt Holliday, I mean that their souls belong to me.

Next time Matt Holliday comes to the plate, watch and see if he shows even a shred of exuberance, an iota of joy in playing the game he's decided to make a career of -- you won't find it. Is that because he doesn't love the game? Doubtful. No, it's more likely that the true ownership of his soul is weighing heavily on his mind.

Don't be surprised to see the normally left-handed Adrian Gonzalez come to the plate from the right side. Not because he's suddenly a switch hitter. But because I am sitting on the third base side. And he and I will have shared long eye contact. And I will motion to the A-Gonz voodoo doll in my hands, being gently prodded with the sharpened skewer of my vanquished corn dog.

And people will say, "But Andy, Adrian is facing a right-handed pitcher, why make him hit righty when he obviously has no experience doing so and a lefty would be preferable?"

Because... I can. He's been kept, mwahahaha!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

New Flavor, Jelly Belly

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

I found this photo today and it gave me the chills.  I can't wait for the season to start.  We're about 3 weeks out, 2 weeks to D-Day (draft day) and I can smell the summer grass already.  Jelly Belly, you've done grass flavored.  Let's take that one step further.


Baseball in the grass flavored.  Think about it.  People love baseball a lot.  Maybe even enough to eat.

A New Beginning!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

We're closing in on a new season and after a few years of absence, this blog is back on the air.  The Circuit fantasy baseball league has been going strong, and we're ready to boot up the 2011 season.

Play ball!