Play Ball!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Tonight was the first MLB game (minus the games they played in Japan), played between the Washington Nationals and the Atlanta Braves. It was a solid game. A lot of broken bats for some reason.

But what a freaking finish! Nationals 3B Ryan Zimmerman hits a walk-off HR to cap the first game of the season and the first game played in the Nationals' new stadium.

Brandon owns Zimmerman and appropriately texts me with, "That's what I'm talking about!"

Low points of the game...

• George W. throwing out first pitch
• George W. joining Joe Morgan and Jon Miller in the booth during the game
• Joe Morgan and Jon Miller having a booth/job at all

I had no guys going, so no stats for me tonight.


LEAGUE HIGHLIGHTS

Luke
Nick Johnson 1-3, 0.333 BA, 2B, RBI, R

Brandon
Ryan Zimmerman 1-4, 0.250 BA, HR, RBI, R

Aaron
Mark Teixeira 1-4, 0.250 BA, 2B
Austin Kearns 1-3, 0.333 BA, RBI

Joey
Chipper Jones 1-4, 0.250 BA, HR, RBI, R

Dar
Tim Hudson 78 PC, 7 INN, 3 HA, 3 K, 2 ER, 2.571 ERA, 0.429 WHIP, 3.857 Kd9, QS

"A Jose Canseco Bat? TELL ME You Didn't Pay Money For This."

Let's just get this garbage out of the way so we can move onto effing baseball already.

Jose Canseco (pronounced JOE-say), author of Juiced and the Shakespearean classic Jose Write Good, has a new book out called Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball. In it Canseco says he introduced Alex Rodriguez to a known steroids dealer.

Listen, I don't do drugs, but I've probably been introduced to a lot of drug dealers. I've probably gone next door and borrowed cups of sugar from them on occasion. That's probably why they wanted $5,000 for it.

I mean, what if you're a celebrity at a party, and someone comes up to you and says, "Excuse me, Celebrity McSpecialpants, I'd like you to meet Ordinary Everyguy."

And then the next day, BOOM, turns out you shook hands with Hitler. Who knew?! You thought Hitler was dead in a bunker!

My point is, JOE-say Canseco is a chode. Come on, "the Battle to Save Baseball"? The title might as well be, Jose Canseco Presents Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball: A Tek Jansen Adventure: Book I: Phobos: The Chronicles of Princess Wrigley.

Brian Roberts With Back Problems?!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The news isn't good. Brian's sick. We're... not sure if he'll survive the night. Doctors say it's all the unprotected bases he was stealing. Because he wasn't just stealing those bases, he was stealing with everyone who had ever stole those bases before him.

Nah, it's just his back...

"Orioles 2B Brian Roberts was scratched from Tuesday's lineup against the Marlins because of a lower back injury." - MLB.com

But it sounds like he'll be fine for opening day.

The Knights 2008 Roster

After some drops, here is the final, Opening Day roster for the 2008 Knights. My team name comes from the fictional baseball team from the film The Natural.

• Aaron Rowand - OF SF
• Billy Wagner - RP NYM
• Bobby Abreu - OF NYY
• Brad Penny - SP LA
• Brian Roberts - 2B BAL
• Carlos Guillen - 1B DET
• Carlos Villanueva - SP MIL
• Casey Blake - 3B CLE
• Chien-Ming Wang - SP NYY
• Chris B. Young - OF ARI
• Clay Buchholz - SP BOS
• Edwin Encarnacion - 3B CIN
• Erik Bedard - SP SEA
• Jason Varitek - C BOS
• Joba Chamberlain - RP NYY
• Joe Borowski - RP CLE
• Jon Garland - SP ANA
• Jose Guillen - OF KC
• Magglio Ordonez - OF DET
• Mike Lowell - 3B BOS
• Nick Swisher - OF CHW
• Ryan Theriot - SS CHC
• Tom Glavine - SP ATL
• Troy Tulowitzki - SS COL
• Zack Greinke - SP KC

Evan Longoria

Evan Longoria, hot prospect and third baseman for the Devil Rays during Spring Training, is heading down to the minors I guess, even though he's been putting up great numbers. Shane picked up Longoria in the draft. It's a great keeper league pick. Same with my guy Clay Buchholz, pitcher for the Red Sox. He's not going to get a roster spot at the start, but he's someone you want to hold onto if you can.

But anyway, onto more important issues...



























Come on, you were all thinking it!

Fantasy Updates

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Some player updates from Fantasy Town USA.

• BJ Upton was hit on his left elbow by Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd and left the game in the first inning Thursday. That's not good for my leaguemate Luke who made a last minute move to get Upton onto his keeper list. This also means that pitcher Paul Byrd may no longer just LOOK like a racist.

• Vladimir Guerrero left the game Thursday because of stiffness in his right knee. My leaguemate Shane is probably not liking the news. I'm sure Vlad will be fine. He does this every year to make us think THIS is the year he shuts down and becomes human, but it never happens. There is only one conclusion: Vlad is not human and will likely play major league baseball under aliases for the next 1,000 years. "You're not fooling anyone, Vladtron5000 XIII!"
• Brad Penny is 2-0 this Spring with a 0.56 ERA. I got nothing, other than to say that if Penny can keep his ERA around 1.00 then his name will have to be changed to Brad Sacajawea... you heard me!
• CBS Sports had a headline reporting that Carlos Delgado had returned from a "freak accident". Yeah, it's called 2007. Oh snap!

Draft Analysis

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

My strategy was basically to go big offensively first, swipe up as many big numbered guys as I could early and then slowly move to fill positions as I needed to. Pitchers would have to be an afterthought. But I think most of the guys picked that way. And of course, once someone started picking closers, all the closers started flying.

HIGHLIGHTS

• Carlos Guillen was always my first go-to pick. All my other bigger numbered choices were gone, so i went with what I know. Guillen was on my team last year and he knocked the cover off the ball.
• Bobby Abreu was also on my team last year towards the end, after Shane and I made a blockbuster trade. He got Albert Pujols from me and I received Derrek Lee and Bobby Abreu from him. Abreu helped get me in the playoffs.
• Joba Chamberlain was a risk. He has a lot of hype behind him, and though he won't be switched to the Yankees starting rotation, he's been fucking dynamite on the mound.
• I'm starting the season with 2 closers, Billy Wagner and Joe Borowski. Last year I started with none. On top of that, my 1st rd. pick Albert Pujols never lived up to his potential and my 2nd rd. pick Chris Carpenter (SP STL) injured himself the first game and was out for the season. So things are starting off pretty well.
• I love that Aaron Rowand is a reserve OF. Last year he was one of the cornerstones of my outfield, now my outfield is stacked, so I have some room to move.

I think it went really well. Because of trades involving Draft picks, some of us had more picks than others (I had two 3 rd. picks) and we had to more rounds. So, now the league has decided on 25 players per roster and I need to drop 3 people. Hmm, which to drop...

The Draft

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

So we had the long-awaited draft last night, and it was quite an event. There were some surprises, some reaches, some steals, but overall I think I picked a fine team.

Here's how my draft went, minus the keepers...

Keeper: Troy Tulowitski SS ROC
Keeper: Brian Roberts 2B BAL
Keeper: Magglio Ordonez OF DET
Keeper: Erik Bedard SP SEA

#7 Carlos Gullien 1B/SS DET (Rd.1)
#18 Nick Swisher OF CHW
#32 Bobby Abreu OF NYY
#36 Chris B. Young OF ARI
#42 Chien-Ming Wang SP NYY
#55 Billy Wagner RP NYM
#66 Mike Lowell 3B BOS
#79 Brad Penny SP LAA
#90 Jason Varitek C BOS
#103 Aaron Rowand OF SF
#114 Joe Borowski RP CLE
#127 Jon Garland SP ANA
#138 Joba Chamberlain RP NYY
#151 Ryan Theriot SS/2B CHC
#162 Edwin Encarnacion 3B CIN
#175 Carlos Villanueva SP MIL
#186 Clay Buchholz SP BOS
#199 Zach Greinke SP KC
#210 Jose Gullien OF KC
#223 Aaron Heilman RP NYM
#234 Casey Blake 3B/1B CLE
#247 Casey Kotchman 1B ANA
#258 Franklin Morales SP COL
#271 Tom Glavine SP NYM (Rd. 23)

24 Hours To D-Day

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Two Things.

"Jose Valentin's Career Over?" That was the headline of a CBS Sports Report. I thought to myself, that guy's still alive??? Other headlines that would be just as effective I think...

• "Jose Valentin Contributes To Locker Room Salsa Recipe"
• "With Dugout Leaning Spot Replaced By Random Boxes, Valentin To Retire"
• "Jose Valentin Makes All-Century 21 Company Softball Team"

Sometimes the CBS headlines make me laugh. My favorite of all time still, from last year, is "Piazza Feasts On Angels." A CBS headline writer was having a particularly aggressive day when he posted that I think.


Anyway, tomorrow is the Draft. It's a big day. D-Day. Lots of preparation goes into drafting. I will post the outcome tomorrow.

MaggliOH MY LORDonez

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The latest from Spring Training...

"Tigers OF Magglio Ordonez pounded out three hits, including his third spring double, in three at-bats during Thursday's spring game against the Braves. He also knocked in his seventh run. Ordonez is hitting .400 (14-for-35) with one homer in 12 spring games." - CBS Sports News

I like Maggs. He makes me happy. I read this report and, like a beam of inspirational light from the heavens, it came to me:

MAGGLIOH MY LORDONEZ

I know. I'll leave you be and let the enormity of its awesomeness sink into your fibrous being. I only hope that when you return from the mental pilgrimage that follows, you will be able to look in the mirror without bursting into tears of blood and sinew, and without feeling the cold hand of your worthless existence strangle the life out of you.

...

Have a good one!

Brian Roberts Running Wild

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

One of my Keepers, Orioles second baseman Brian Roberts, stole 2 bases today. And both in the same inning! And then he crossed home plate and lifted the umps fucking wallet! This guy can't NOT steal.

That's 7 steals Roberts has now in Spring Training and he's never been caught. But you know what? He's a Keeper not just because he steals bases. He's also a Keeper because... he steals my heart.

[single tear]

Tulowitzki Hits 3rd Home Run In Spring Training

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

From CBS Sports News...

"Rockies SS Troy Tulowitzki hit his third spring homer Thursday against the Padres when he parked a solo shot off Jake Peavy over the left field wall. Tulowitzki now has four hits in 14 spring at-bats, with three of them clearing the outfield wall."

And just as Troy Tulowitzki's spring training HR total increases from 2 to 3, the Man-Crush-O-Meter increases from LISTEN, I'M NOT GAY, BUT... to MY FIRST CHILD MAY BE NAMED AFTER YOU, REGARDLESS OF GENDER.


The full Man-Crush-O-Meter...




It's not a flawless system of measurement, but it does its job adequately. Keep it up, Troy. My future first son Troy (or sexually confused daughter, Troy) thanks you.

*highest degree lyrics from the film Old School.

Home Runs All Around!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Tulowitzki goes yard on Tuesday, for the second time this Spring. Magglio takes one deep today, not to mention he is batting .467 in six Spring Training games. There's only one picture to describe my feelings today...



It would only be more perfect if I had traded for Tulowitzki straight cash!