Missing Week

Scotty had his bachelor party Saturday, April 26th. There were about 15 guys attending. Guys from the league included Aaron, Brandon, Chris, Paul, Scotty, and me. Here is roughly how the events of the day went. This is a rough estimate because we were all completely hammered.


12:30 PM
We boarded a bus armed with a keg.

12:30 - 1:30PM
Drinking.

1:30PM
Arrived in Milwaukee to go on the Lakefront Brewery tour. Obviously, no one drinks while surrounded by equipment used to make beer. No! Oh we were saucy at this point. Top notch brewery by the by.

3:30PM
Left Lakefront Brewery and head for Miller Park for Brewers game versus the Marlins. I have Villanueva, the starter for the day, but I'm not starting him because he's not usually good. Brandon has Uggla and Willingham.

3:30 - 4:00PM
Drinking. Ridiculous trades offered.

4:00PM
Arrived at Miller Park for 2 hours of drinking and tailgating. We play a game called Testicle Toss. Paul and I dominate, going 3-0. First time I ever felt good about throwing around some testes.

6:00PM
Game time. More drinking. Brewers won, 4-3, I think.

9:30PM
Leave Miller Park.

9:30 - 10:30PM
Drinking on bus.

11:00PM
Aaron, Brandon and I go to a bar called the DMZ. I go on to throw the single greatest game of darts ever. Just a taste of that performance: first throw, double bullseye; second throw, bullseye; third throw, does it really matter? There's a girl there who I think would be hot if she could lose the I love me some crack and alcohol look.

12:00AM
We meet up with everyone else at a bar called Scotty's. No darts are played since it is soon discovered that any darts that come within 20ft of me disintegrate instantly simply because of the pure residual power of my previous game.

1:00AM
We go to a bar called Sunnyside. I have a really effed up headache. Probably more residual energy from my dart skills. Like when people use telekinesis to move really BIG things and they start bleeding out of the fucking nose and shit and become totally drained. Yeah, my darts power was like that.

2:00AM
Brandon and I stay at Sunnyside after hours and create a new shot called the Jappleer (pronounced "Japple - leer"). Jameson, Apple Pucker, and Root Beer. You wouldn't think it'd be good, but it was.

3:00AM
Still at Sunnyside.

4:00AM
We go to breakfast with some of the bar people. I have some kind of bagel egg concoction that I probably wouldn't order when sober. Also, I had some hash browns that looked and tasted like basket weaving.

5:00AM
Arrived home, sobered up and reviewed my drunk texts for the night. Not bad. Here was the general count...

3 of "lets do it"
2 of "sersly i wanna do stuflets do i t"
1 of "i luvru guyz ths isgreat fuckengame shit luvurthe best shit...!1?"
12 of "heyyy hi"

******

So there you have it. A day in the life of The Circuit. Hence the missed week; needed some time to recover from that one. I'll update at the end of this week.

Week Three

After three weeks, players who weren't hitting are starting to produce. I defeated Chris's team 7-5-1 for my first victory of the season.

Anyway, highlights...

- Brandon's Significant Pukes beat Luke's Achievers 7-5-1. 2007 's last place team beating 2007's champion. And that's a good thing. Not that I want to see Luke lose (I just want to see me win), but it means our league is dynamic, and you never know who's running away with it this year.

- Tulowitzki, who had been in a massive slump after dominating in the Spring, started coming around after doubling in the game winning run to end the 22 inning marathon against the Padres. Still, on the Man-Crush-O-Meter, he's gone from MY FIRST CHILD MAY BE NAMED AFTER YOU, REGARDLESS OF GENDER to HMM, THAT'S A NICE FIRM BUNT YOU'VE GOT THERE.



- Meanwhile, Paul's Chase Utley is just disgusting. 6 HR's in the last 5 games. I feel sick. The last person to do that? Bobbert Abreu. "Utley" even sounds like a sickness. "I've got Utley's Disease."

Standings

Taint Division

26-9-4 Aphishionados

22-14-3 Team^Star
17-19-3 The Van Buren Boys
16-21-2 Lou Pinella's My Co-Pilot
16-21-2 The Knights
12-25-2 Sweet Lou Malnatis

Scranus Division
24-12-3 Achievers
19-17-3 Significant Pukes
18-17-4 Gamehenge Lizards
16-19-4 4 Catchers!!!
15-21-3 Happy Hour Heroes
15-21-3 Ship Of Fools

Borowski Going On DL & Other News

"Let's Face it, Jerry, I've Always Been Disabled;
I'm Just Now Getting the Recognition for it."

Joe Borowski went on the DL with a strained tricep. At least that's what the Indians are telling the press. My sources asked Cleveland Manager Eric Wedge why Borowski was headed for the DL, off the record. Irritated, Wedge said, "Um, I don't know, maybe because he's fucking Joe Borowski?"

Tou che.

*****

If Miguel Tejada Was a
D&D Character He'd Be a +2

It was revealed today that Miguel Tejada SS HOU lied about his official age and is apparently at least two years older than his reported age of 31. It makes sense though. Here's a regular picture of Tejada...



Now, here's Tejada close up...

*****

"He's My Guy."

On a non-fantasy baseball note, a high school team in Japan was hit up for 66 runs in only 2 innings of play. After the pitcher for the losing Kawamoto technical high school baseball team threw nearly 250 pitches in 2 innings, the game was mercifully ended. When asked to explain leaving the pitcher in for so long, the Kawamoto coach said, "I debated leaving him in, but then I thought, 'What would Dusty Baker do?'"

*****

Week Two

As the second period ends, your team outlook is still very much in flux. My final score with Scotty is 3-10-0 in favor of him. His team team dominated with a near .300 AVG while my team hit just over .230. When your average is so low, you're not going to win most offensive categories.

Even though I'm now last in the Taint Division and my players are hitting for shit, it's much too early to draw any conclusions as a fantasy manager. But let me state for the record, this week sucked bad.

My week can be summed up by what happened Sunday. Erik Bedard and Tom Glavine were supposed to go for me Sunday.

1. Erik Bedard never even stepped on the mound because he had soreness in his hip.

2. Tom Glavine stepped on the mound. For 16 pitches. He came out because of problems with is hamstring. He gave up 2ER's. Seriously, 16 pitches. And I think some of those were ones he imagined throwing as he sat with the physician in the clubhouse.

3. I strained the Flexor Carpi Radialis muscle in my wrist while clicking my mouse and dropping Glavine's ass.


Highlights & Honorable Mentions
- Shane had 49RBI's, 48R's, and a .315AVG, all while pitching a 2.13ERA and a 1.11WHIP. Plus he changed his team name to the The Van Buren Boys, a terrific Seinfeld reference.

Standings

Taint Division

17-7-2 Aphishionados

15-9-2 The Van Buren Boys
12-12-2 Team^Star
11-14-1 Lou Pinella's My Co-Pilot
10-16-0 Sweet Lou Malnatis
9-16-1 The Knights

Scranus Division
19-5-2 Achievers
13-10-3 4 Catchers!!!
12-12-2 Significant Pukes
10-14-2 Happy Hour Heroes
9-14-3 Gamehenge Lizards
8-16-2 Ship Of Fools

An Exerpt From Cleveland Closer Joe Borowski's New Book

Excerpt from...

Blowing A Save, The Major League Way

by
Cleveland Indians Closer
Joe Borowski

"Listen, we've all been there. It's 4-2, the Angels are up, and you want to blow your save. Follow these quick and easy steps and you too can blow saves like a major league pitcher. And keep in mind, even though this isn't an instructional video, if it was I'd be doing something like this...
















Step 1. Retire the lead-off Chone Figgins on three pitches. This will give anyone who has you on their fantasy team a lot of hope.
Step 2. Check out that chick in the front row. Holy shit. Those have to be D's time two.
Step 3. And she has a friend! You gotta tell Sizemore about this.
Step 4. Okay, now walk Gary Matthews. Gary will wink at you. There'll be some H.G.H. waiting in your locker.
Step 5. Allow a single to Vlad. Don't worry if you can't do it, he'll make sure it happens.
Step 6. Walk Garret Anderson.
Step 7. Shit, that chick in the front row is leaving! Try to get Sizemore's attention. He's hitting on someone else. Ah, come on Grady, that's grade D at best. These girls are USDA Top Shelf!
Step 8. Give up a grand slam to Torii Hunter, also known as the Notoriious Hunter.

You've done it! Now, go get some tail."

Look for Borowski's next book, out in October, Knoblauch Your Game To The Next Level.