Keepers

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Our league has been heated with debate about keepers. 4 is the number of guys we carry from season to season. Right now we're split on whether or not to increase that number to 5.

But I think my leaguemates mistake exactly what keepers mean to me. When I say I'm keeping Adrian Gonzalez, Felix Hernadez, and Matt Holliday, I mean that their souls belong to me.

Next time Matt Holliday comes to the plate, watch and see if he shows even a shred of exuberance, an iota of joy in playing the game he's decided to make a career of -- you won't find it. Is that because he doesn't love the game? Doubtful. No, it's more likely that the true ownership of his soul is weighing heavily on his mind.

Don't be surprised to see the normally left-handed Adrian Gonzalez come to the plate from the right side. Not because he's suddenly a switch hitter. But because I am sitting on the third base side. And he and I will have shared long eye contact. And I will motion to the A-Gonz voodoo doll in my hands, being gently prodded with the sharpened skewer of my vanquished corn dog.

And people will say, "But Andy, Adrian is facing a right-handed pitcher, why make him hit righty when he obviously has no experience doing so and a lefty would be preferable?"

Because... I can. He's been kept, mwahahaha!