Missing Week

Scotty had his bachelor party Saturday, April 26th. There were about 15 guys attending. Guys from the league included Aaron, Brandon, Chris, Paul, Scotty, and me. Here is roughly how the events of the day went. This is a rough estimate because we were all completely hammered.


12:30 PM
We boarded a bus armed with a keg.

12:30 - 1:30PM
Drinking.

1:30PM
Arrived in Milwaukee to go on the Lakefront Brewery tour. Obviously, no one drinks while surrounded by equipment used to make beer. No! Oh we were saucy at this point. Top notch brewery by the by.

3:30PM
Left Lakefront Brewery and head for Miller Park for Brewers game versus the Marlins. I have Villanueva, the starter for the day, but I'm not starting him because he's not usually good. Brandon has Uggla and Willingham.

3:30 - 4:00PM
Drinking. Ridiculous trades offered.

4:00PM
Arrived at Miller Park for 2 hours of drinking and tailgating. We play a game called Testicle Toss. Paul and I dominate, going 3-0. First time I ever felt good about throwing around some testes.

6:00PM
Game time. More drinking. Brewers won, 4-3, I think.

9:30PM
Leave Miller Park.

9:30 - 10:30PM
Drinking on bus.

11:00PM
Aaron, Brandon and I go to a bar called the DMZ. I go on to throw the single greatest game of darts ever. Just a taste of that performance: first throw, double bullseye; second throw, bullseye; third throw, does it really matter? There's a girl there who I think would be hot if she could lose the I love me some crack and alcohol look.

12:00AM
We meet up with everyone else at a bar called Scotty's. No darts are played since it is soon discovered that any darts that come within 20ft of me disintegrate instantly simply because of the pure residual power of my previous game.

1:00AM
We go to a bar called Sunnyside. I have a really effed up headache. Probably more residual energy from my dart skills. Like when people use telekinesis to move really BIG things and they start bleeding out of the fucking nose and shit and become totally drained. Yeah, my darts power was like that.

2:00AM
Brandon and I stay at Sunnyside after hours and create a new shot called the Jappleer (pronounced "Japple - leer"). Jameson, Apple Pucker, and Root Beer. You wouldn't think it'd be good, but it was.

3:00AM
Still at Sunnyside.

4:00AM
We go to breakfast with some of the bar people. I have some kind of bagel egg concoction that I probably wouldn't order when sober. Also, I had some hash browns that looked and tasted like basket weaving.

5:00AM
Arrived home, sobered up and reviewed my drunk texts for the night. Not bad. Here was the general count...

3 of "lets do it"
2 of "sersly i wanna do stuflets do i t"
1 of "i luvru guyz ths isgreat fuckengame shit luvurthe best shit...!1?"
12 of "heyyy hi"

******

So there you have it. A day in the life of The Circuit. Hence the missed week; needed some time to recover from that one. I'll update at the end of this week.

Borowski Going On DL & Other News

"Let's Face it, Jerry, I've Always Been Disabled;
I'm Just Now Getting the Recognition for it."

Joe Borowski went on the DL with a strained tricep. At least that's what the Indians are telling the press. My sources asked Cleveland Manager Eric Wedge why Borowski was headed for the DL, off the record. Irritated, Wedge said, "Um, I don't know, maybe because he's fucking Joe Borowski?"

Tou che.

*****

If Miguel Tejada Was a
D&D Character He'd Be a +2

It was revealed today that Miguel Tejada SS HOU lied about his official age and is apparently at least two years older than his reported age of 31. It makes sense though. Here's a regular picture of Tejada...



Now, here's Tejada close up...

*****

"He's My Guy."

On a non-fantasy baseball note, a high school team in Japan was hit up for 66 runs in only 2 innings of play. After the pitcher for the losing Kawamoto technical high school baseball team threw nearly 250 pitches in 2 innings, the game was mercifully ended. When asked to explain leaving the pitcher in for so long, the Kawamoto coach said, "I debated leaving him in, but then I thought, 'What would Dusty Baker do?'"

*****

An Exerpt From Cleveland Closer Joe Borowski's New Book

Excerpt from...

Blowing A Save, The Major League Way

by
Cleveland Indians Closer
Joe Borowski

"Listen, we've all been there. It's 4-2, the Angels are up, and you want to blow your save. Follow these quick and easy steps and you too can blow saves like a major league pitcher. And keep in mind, even though this isn't an instructional video, if it was I'd be doing something like this...
















Step 1. Retire the lead-off Chone Figgins on three pitches. This will give anyone who has you on their fantasy team a lot of hope.
Step 2. Check out that chick in the front row. Holy shit. Those have to be D's time two.
Step 3. And she has a friend! You gotta tell Sizemore about this.
Step 4. Okay, now walk Gary Matthews. Gary will wink at you. There'll be some H.G.H. waiting in your locker.
Step 5. Allow a single to Vlad. Don't worry if you can't do it, he'll make sure it happens.
Step 6. Walk Garret Anderson.
Step 7. Shit, that chick in the front row is leaving! Try to get Sizemore's attention. He's hitting on someone else. Ah, come on Grady, that's grade D at best. These girls are USDA Top Shelf!
Step 8. Give up a grand slam to Torii Hunter, also known as the Notoriious Hunter.

You've done it! Now, go get some tail."

Look for Borowski's next book, out in October, Knoblauch Your Game To The Next Level.

Bobbert Abreu Bends To My Will!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Today, Shane gained a lot of ground on my overall lead. It made me sad. I didn't like it. I get the text from him today...

"I'm comin for ya!"

If I had this picture on my phone I would have replied with it...














Shane had Yankees pitcher Phil Hughes throwing today, which is a conundrum. I have Bobby Abreu, Yankee outfielder; Shane and I are neck and neck in the Pitching Wins category; I am under-performing offensively. So do I have Abreu take a dive just so Hughes doesn't get the run support and, therefore, the win?

Yes. Yes I do.

And it all worked out, because even though the Yankees won, they didn't pull ahead until reliever Joba Chamberlain -- proud member of The Knights -- came in, giving me the win. And who hits in the winning run? One Bobbert Abreu...

I'm losing my lead so I need to enjoy this fortunate turn of events...

Go, Season, Go!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

So the season is underway and already CBS Sports is impressing me with its flattering headlines of my players.

"Carlos Guillen A Terror On Opening Day"

Obviously, Guillen is mine, so... nice. But the headline alone doesn't quite show the full extent of Guillen's terrorizing. Here's actual footage obtained by Fantasy Baseball Diary...

Play Ball!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Tonight was the first MLB game (minus the games they played in Japan), played between the Washington Nationals and the Atlanta Braves. It was a solid game. A lot of broken bats for some reason.

But what a freaking finish! Nationals 3B Ryan Zimmerman hits a walk-off HR to cap the first game of the season and the first game played in the Nationals' new stadium.

Brandon owns Zimmerman and appropriately texts me with, "That's what I'm talking about!"

Low points of the game...

• George W. throwing out first pitch
• George W. joining Joe Morgan and Jon Miller in the booth during the game
• Joe Morgan and Jon Miller having a booth/job at all

I had no guys going, so no stats for me tonight.


LEAGUE HIGHLIGHTS

Luke
Nick Johnson 1-3, 0.333 BA, 2B, RBI, R

Brandon
Ryan Zimmerman 1-4, 0.250 BA, HR, RBI, R

Aaron
Mark Teixeira 1-4, 0.250 BA, 2B
Austin Kearns 1-3, 0.333 BA, RBI

Joey
Chipper Jones 1-4, 0.250 BA, HR, RBI, R

Dar
Tim Hudson 78 PC, 7 INN, 3 HA, 3 K, 2 ER, 2.571 ERA, 0.429 WHIP, 3.857 Kd9, QS

"A Jose Canseco Bat? TELL ME You Didn't Pay Money For This."

Let's just get this garbage out of the way so we can move onto effing baseball already.

Jose Canseco (pronounced JOE-say), author of Juiced and the Shakespearean classic Jose Write Good, has a new book out called Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball. In it Canseco says he introduced Alex Rodriguez to a known steroids dealer.

Listen, I don't do drugs, but I've probably been introduced to a lot of drug dealers. I've probably gone next door and borrowed cups of sugar from them on occasion. That's probably why they wanted $5,000 for it.

I mean, what if you're a celebrity at a party, and someone comes up to you and says, "Excuse me, Celebrity McSpecialpants, I'd like you to meet Ordinary Everyguy."

And then the next day, BOOM, turns out you shook hands with Hitler. Who knew?! You thought Hitler was dead in a bunker!

My point is, JOE-say Canseco is a chode. Come on, "the Battle to Save Baseball"? The title might as well be, Jose Canseco Presents Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball: A Tek Jansen Adventure: Book I: Phobos: The Chronicles of Princess Wrigley.

Brian Roberts With Back Problems?!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The news isn't good. Brian's sick. We're... not sure if he'll survive the night. Doctors say it's all the unprotected bases he was stealing. Because he wasn't just stealing those bases, he was stealing with everyone who had ever stole those bases before him.

Nah, it's just his back...

"Orioles 2B Brian Roberts was scratched from Tuesday's lineup against the Marlins because of a lower back injury." - MLB.com

But it sounds like he'll be fine for opening day.

The Knights 2008 Roster

After some drops, here is the final, Opening Day roster for the 2008 Knights. My team name comes from the fictional baseball team from the film The Natural.

• Aaron Rowand - OF SF
• Billy Wagner - RP NYM
• Bobby Abreu - OF NYY
• Brad Penny - SP LA
• Brian Roberts - 2B BAL
• Carlos Guillen - 1B DET
• Carlos Villanueva - SP MIL
• Casey Blake - 3B CLE
• Chien-Ming Wang - SP NYY
• Chris B. Young - OF ARI
• Clay Buchholz - SP BOS
• Edwin Encarnacion - 3B CIN
• Erik Bedard - SP SEA
• Jason Varitek - C BOS
• Joba Chamberlain - RP NYY
• Joe Borowski - RP CLE
• Jon Garland - SP ANA
• Jose Guillen - OF KC
• Magglio Ordonez - OF DET
• Mike Lowell - 3B BOS
• Nick Swisher - OF CHW
• Ryan Theriot - SS CHC
• Tom Glavine - SP ATL
• Troy Tulowitzki - SS COL
• Zack Greinke - SP KC

Evan Longoria

Evan Longoria, hot prospect and third baseman for the Devil Rays during Spring Training, is heading down to the minors I guess, even though he's been putting up great numbers. Shane picked up Longoria in the draft. It's a great keeper league pick. Same with my guy Clay Buchholz, pitcher for the Red Sox. He's not going to get a roster spot at the start, but he's someone you want to hold onto if you can.

But anyway, onto more important issues...



























Come on, you were all thinking it!

Fantasy Updates

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Some player updates from Fantasy Town USA.

• BJ Upton was hit on his left elbow by Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd and left the game in the first inning Thursday. That's not good for my leaguemate Luke who made a last minute move to get Upton onto his keeper list. This also means that pitcher Paul Byrd may no longer just LOOK like a racist.

• Vladimir Guerrero left the game Thursday because of stiffness in his right knee. My leaguemate Shane is probably not liking the news. I'm sure Vlad will be fine. He does this every year to make us think THIS is the year he shuts down and becomes human, but it never happens. There is only one conclusion: Vlad is not human and will likely play major league baseball under aliases for the next 1,000 years. "You're not fooling anyone, Vladtron5000 XIII!"
• Brad Penny is 2-0 this Spring with a 0.56 ERA. I got nothing, other than to say that if Penny can keep his ERA around 1.00 then his name will have to be changed to Brad Sacajawea... you heard me!
• CBS Sports had a headline reporting that Carlos Delgado had returned from a "freak accident". Yeah, it's called 2007. Oh snap!

Draft Analysis

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

My strategy was basically to go big offensively first, swipe up as many big numbered guys as I could early and then slowly move to fill positions as I needed to. Pitchers would have to be an afterthought. But I think most of the guys picked that way. And of course, once someone started picking closers, all the closers started flying.

HIGHLIGHTS

• Carlos Guillen was always my first go-to pick. All my other bigger numbered choices were gone, so i went with what I know. Guillen was on my team last year and he knocked the cover off the ball.
• Bobby Abreu was also on my team last year towards the end, after Shane and I made a blockbuster trade. He got Albert Pujols from me and I received Derrek Lee and Bobby Abreu from him. Abreu helped get me in the playoffs.
• Joba Chamberlain was a risk. He has a lot of hype behind him, and though he won't be switched to the Yankees starting rotation, he's been fucking dynamite on the mound.
• I'm starting the season with 2 closers, Billy Wagner and Joe Borowski. Last year I started with none. On top of that, my 1st rd. pick Albert Pujols never lived up to his potential and my 2nd rd. pick Chris Carpenter (SP STL) injured himself the first game and was out for the season. So things are starting off pretty well.
• I love that Aaron Rowand is a reserve OF. Last year he was one of the cornerstones of my outfield, now my outfield is stacked, so I have some room to move.

I think it went really well. Because of trades involving Draft picks, some of us had more picks than others (I had two 3 rd. picks) and we had to more rounds. So, now the league has decided on 25 players per roster and I need to drop 3 people. Hmm, which to drop...

The Draft

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

So we had the long-awaited draft last night, and it was quite an event. There were some surprises, some reaches, some steals, but overall I think I picked a fine team.

Here's how my draft went, minus the keepers...

Keeper: Troy Tulowitski SS ROC
Keeper: Brian Roberts 2B BAL
Keeper: Magglio Ordonez OF DET
Keeper: Erik Bedard SP SEA

#7 Carlos Gullien 1B/SS DET (Rd.1)
#18 Nick Swisher OF CHW
#32 Bobby Abreu OF NYY
#36 Chris B. Young OF ARI
#42 Chien-Ming Wang SP NYY
#55 Billy Wagner RP NYM
#66 Mike Lowell 3B BOS
#79 Brad Penny SP LAA
#90 Jason Varitek C BOS
#103 Aaron Rowand OF SF
#114 Joe Borowski RP CLE
#127 Jon Garland SP ANA
#138 Joba Chamberlain RP NYY
#151 Ryan Theriot SS/2B CHC
#162 Edwin Encarnacion 3B CIN
#175 Carlos Villanueva SP MIL
#186 Clay Buchholz SP BOS
#199 Zach Greinke SP KC
#210 Jose Gullien OF KC
#223 Aaron Heilman RP NYM
#234 Casey Blake 3B/1B CLE
#247 Casey Kotchman 1B ANA
#258 Franklin Morales SP COL
#271 Tom Glavine SP NYM (Rd. 23)

24 Hours To D-Day

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Two Things.

"Jose Valentin's Career Over?" That was the headline of a CBS Sports Report. I thought to myself, that guy's still alive??? Other headlines that would be just as effective I think...

• "Jose Valentin Contributes To Locker Room Salsa Recipe"
• "With Dugout Leaning Spot Replaced By Random Boxes, Valentin To Retire"
• "Jose Valentin Makes All-Century 21 Company Softball Team"

Sometimes the CBS headlines make me laugh. My favorite of all time still, from last year, is "Piazza Feasts On Angels." A CBS headline writer was having a particularly aggressive day when he posted that I think.


Anyway, tomorrow is the Draft. It's a big day. D-Day. Lots of preparation goes into drafting. I will post the outcome tomorrow.

MaggliOH MY LORDonez

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The latest from Spring Training...

"Tigers OF Magglio Ordonez pounded out three hits, including his third spring double, in three at-bats during Thursday's spring game against the Braves. He also knocked in his seventh run. Ordonez is hitting .400 (14-for-35) with one homer in 12 spring games." - CBS Sports News

I like Maggs. He makes me happy. I read this report and, like a beam of inspirational light from the heavens, it came to me:

MAGGLIOH MY LORDONEZ

I know. I'll leave you be and let the enormity of its awesomeness sink into your fibrous being. I only hope that when you return from the mental pilgrimage that follows, you will be able to look in the mirror without bursting into tears of blood and sinew, and without feeling the cold hand of your worthless existence strangle the life out of you.

...

Have a good one!

Brian Roberts Running Wild

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

One of my Keepers, Orioles second baseman Brian Roberts, stole 2 bases today. And both in the same inning! And then he crossed home plate and lifted the umps fucking wallet! This guy can't NOT steal.

That's 7 steals Roberts has now in Spring Training and he's never been caught. But you know what? He's a Keeper not just because he steals bases. He's also a Keeper because... he steals my heart.

[single tear]

Tulowitzki Hits 3rd Home Run In Spring Training

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

From CBS Sports News...

"Rockies SS Troy Tulowitzki hit his third spring homer Thursday against the Padres when he parked a solo shot off Jake Peavy over the left field wall. Tulowitzki now has four hits in 14 spring at-bats, with three of them clearing the outfield wall."

And just as Troy Tulowitzki's spring training HR total increases from 2 to 3, the Man-Crush-O-Meter increases from LISTEN, I'M NOT GAY, BUT... to MY FIRST CHILD MAY BE NAMED AFTER YOU, REGARDLESS OF GENDER.


The full Man-Crush-O-Meter...




It's not a flawless system of measurement, but it does its job adequately. Keep it up, Troy. My future first son Troy (or sexually confused daughter, Troy) thanks you.

*highest degree lyrics from the film Old School.

Home Runs All Around!

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

Tulowitzki goes yard on Tuesday, for the second time this Spring. Magglio takes one deep today, not to mention he is batting .467 in six Spring Training games. There's only one picture to describe my feelings today...



It would only be more perfect if I had traded for Tulowitzki straight cash!

From the Diary of Troy Tulowitzki

From the Diary of Troy Tulowitzki...

Dear Diary,

Today was the first game of Spring Training. Baseball is fun. I like it. We played the White Sox. John Danks looked at me funny before I came to the plate, so I took his cutter over the fucking wall. I think he was sad. My team cheered for me. It was nice.

Your Friend,
TT

Draft Order and Keepers

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

This is a list of all the guys in the league, the draft order (draft day March 18th), and who they're keeping prior to the draft.


DRAFT ORDER
(trades for picks noted)

1. Brandon (Luke 1^st round)
2. Shane
3. Dar
4. Geoff
5. Aaron
6. Paul (Scotty 2^nd round)
7. Andy (Luke 3^rd round)
8. Olson (Andy 3^rd round)
9. Scotty
10. Joey
11. Chris
12. Luke (Andy 3^rd round)



WHO'S KEEPING WHO?

Shane
A. Pujols 1B
A. Soriano OF
J. Papelbon RP
B. Webb SP

Scotty
Mi. Cabrera 3B
H. Ramirez SS
J. Verlander SP
R. Martin C

Aaron
R. Cano 2B
M. Teixeira 1B
J. Santana SP
A. Ramirez 3B

Chris
T. Hafner DH
R. Howard 1B
J. Rollins SS
J. Peavy SP

Brandon
D. Haren SP
A. Harang SP
R. Oswalt SP
L. Berkman OF

Geoff
P. Fielder 1B
A. Rodriguez SS
J. Beckett SP
J. Lackey SP

Paul
C. Utley 2B
J. Mauer C
G. Atkins 3B
C.C. Sabathia SP

Joey
J. Morneau 1B
J. Reyes SS
C. Lee OF
C. Hart OF

Dario
V. Martinez C
D. Wright 3B
D. Ortiz DH
B. Phillips 2B

Andy
B. Roberts 2B
M. Ordonez OF
T. Tulowitzki SS
E. Bedard SP

Jeff O.
C. Crawford OF
C. Zambrano SP
R. Halladay SP
D. Lee 1B

Luke
M. Holliday OF
G. Sizemore OF
R. Braun 3B
B. Upton 2B

My Keepers

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

For this season, our league decided we would keep 4 players from our last year's team, any off-season trades not withstanding.

Keepers for the 2008 Season

• Erik Bedard - SP - SEA
• Magglio Ordonez - OF - DET
• Troy Tulowitzki - SS - COL
• Brian Roberts - 2B - BAL

I acquired Tulowitzki from Luke in exchange for Brian McCann, a star catcher for the Braves. He's wanted McCann for a long time, so much so that he even picked up the Braves backup catcher, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, in the hopes that Saltalamacchia could maybe steal him a McCann jock to smell. No, Luke's a good guy and the trade is pretty even stat-wise.

I like Tulowitzki because he plays for the Rockies, who are a production powerhouse. Anyway, i think I've got a good start.


Bedard
He was lights out most of the year, until the end when he had oblique trouble. Arguably the best pitcher in baseball at certain times last season.

Roberts
He was the best player on his team, and he led all 2nd basemen in steals. 2nd basemen are a hot commodity, so it's a no-brainer for me.

Ordonez
He's Maggs. He fucking rocked it last year. You can't not keep him.

Tulowitzki
Like I said, he's a producing player on a producing team. Plus he's young and has a lot of life left in him.

So It Begins...

Dear Fantasy Baseball Diary,

The 2008 baseball season is nearly underway, and that means my Fantasy Baseball League is also almost here.

This is the second year I've ever played in a Fantasy Baseball league. I play in a league of 12 guys, each one very knowledgeable in the ways of the great American past time. Last year, I made the playoffs and finished a respectable 6th, which is quite impressive for your first time out.

If you didn't know already, Fantasy Baseball is the truest test of a hardcore Baseball fan. Playing other sports requires skill, but not to the degree of Fantasy Baseball.

Fantasy Football?
You pick your team. You have one game a week. Yawn.

Fantasy Basketball?
It's more involved than football, but still few scoring categories. Only 5 positions.

Fantasy Golf?
Fuck you.

In my particular Fantasy Baseball League, we have a team of 24, consisting of...

• 9 offensive players (8 positions plus utility)
  
• 3 starting pitchers
• 3 relievers
• 9 reserve players of any position

For the next 162 games, you will live and die with these players. Every week, every series, every game, every at-bat, every pitch will mean something for your team. You'll read all the articles, listen to ESPN radio, read blogs by guys who were at Spring Training and thought they saw so-and-so limping into the locker room.

This isn't for the average bleacher bum. You need to know your shit, or you will crumble before Opening Day like so many crushed peanut shells on the ground at your favorite ballpark.

This blog will be a day-to-day, week-to-week journal of my 2008 Fantasy Baseball season. Prepare yourselves.